Just Be Held

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

My morning drives to work are a good thirty minutes to an hour, depending on who takes Aria to daycare in the morning. I love these drives because it gets me ready for the day ahead that is always sure to be hectic, stressful and all around crazy. Most mornings here lately I wake up with this overwhelming need to cut out the lights and crawl back into bed. Yes, most people do not want to get up in the morning, but my struggle these last few months has been real, and frankly terrifying to me. This is why these morning drives have come to be so necessary for me.

I am not a person who is generally unhappy. I run off of stress and mountain dews and as crazy as I look to others, I am generally a happy camper. I have a beautiful daughter, a loving husband and a life that a lot of people are not lucky enough to have. I get the chance to travel, meet new people and gain experiences from everywhere that I go. I've come to accept the fact of moving a lot (even if sometimes I do let it get me down) and I've learned to live with the hectic and adventurous life that is the military. But this move has really taken its toll on me.

I can honestly say that even after being here for months, I still have not caught up on sleep or gained back my sanity. Time alone and hardships at work have left me feeling hopeless and like a failure. There are still boxes left to be unpacked and my house is constantly a mess. We eat out way more than I cook and I go to bed late every night feeling like I accomplished little. Never in my life have I felt like I was failing at so much. This has been the greatest struggle I have had in a long time.

So every morning I drive. I get in the car and I turn on Air1 and I worship. I listen to every line, every word and I let it soak in. I believe that every morning God sends me a song that I will need to carry me through the day. Some reminder of His goodness and His presence. Something to help me when a child is pushing every button I have or when I find out I have one more thing that is due that I knew nothing about. Something to remind me of why I am teaching or why I am a wife and mom.

One particular song has really been on my mind and hit me strong after the first time I heard it. Now, it comes back whenever I feel like I'm losing my ground and just can't hold on anymore. The song starts "Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong. But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you hanging on." Wow. Exactly how I feel. I feel this constant need to always be strong and to take care of everything. To always have a clean house, dinner on the table, a quiet classroom and activities with Aria that make everyone stop and stare. This feeling to be super mom, wife and teacher. But this move, and everything that has happened has just left me feeling breathless.

I'm working so hard everyday to do as this song says and "stop holding on and just be held." This is a huge struggle for me, but every day I try to make a conscious effort to let go and let God. To trust him to take care of me and to give me the strength to do what I can and to accept what I won't be able to do. To be ok with not being super at everything.

I'm posting the video below and I hope that it gives someone a little bit of hope and strength like it gives me. Casting Crowns: Just Be Held.



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