I've been biding my time with this post. Not sure if I wanted to open up more about my struggle to find joy this past year. I don't intend to go into long, boring details or to make you lose any joy in reading this post. I simply want to share. 

We have almost been in Georgia a year now, and this year has been one of great change, great loss, and great growth for me. All within this year, since moving, I have lost my last two grandparents, came very very close to completely losing my joy for teaching, and started to become a person that I didn't recognize anymore. That's a very scary thing for me to admit. 

Recently, I have become a fan of Ted Talks and I stumbled across a talk by Shonda Rhimes. If you do not know who she is, let me enlighten you. She is the genius behind Grey's Anatomy, How to Get Away With Murder, and Scandal. In her own words, she is a "Titan." In her talk she talks about the "hum"  she feels about her work. She deeply loves working and she certainly does enough of it. It drives her, gives her purpose. But one day, the hum stops. It just stops. And when she gets to this point of her talk, I get chills. Cause she's speaking straight to me. She asks this question, "What do you do when the thing you do, the work you love, starts to taste like dust?" 

That has been me. My hum stopped. The joy I got from stepping into the classroom, from the hugs and the laughter, from the thrill I got when I finally reached a child was gone. No matter what, I could not find joy in the classroom any longer. Not only in the classroom but my unhappiness was seeping into my home. It was killing my time with Aria and it was punishing Ethan. 

Shonda talks at length about saying yes to her children when they ask to play. No matter what is going on or where she needs to be. Normally it's only 15 minutes or so, but she says that it taught her that the real hum is love. "The real hum is joy specific." The hum is no longer her work. She is no longer the hum and the hum is no longer her. Once she realizes this, she slowly starts to feel the hum in her work again. 

I couple all of this with the verse above. My sister has told me again and again to speak truth into my situations. When I read Romans 12:12 it was basically everything she had been telling me. So I am speaking truth into my situation. I am speaking joy. 

I have already seen a change this summer in my home and in myself. Just taking the time to play and to relax and to enjoy myself has given me a better outlook on the upcoming school year. Speaking positively about next year has also done wonders. (My sister really is a genius.) And I am trying to trust in God and have joy in my hope and to be faithful in prayer because I know that my hum isn't gone. My hum is this beautiful life that He has blessed me with. My hum is the joy I get from Aria calling me Mama and the man that kisses me goodnight. It's the spills and thrills of this momlife. It's the joy I get in knowing that no matter what the next year holds, it does not determine how I feel about myself or has the power to steal my joy. 

I am learning. Always. And I am trying. Hard. 

So I will speak joy into daily life. I will pray in the moments when it seems I can't find any. I will write down moments of joy to look back on. I will pray every morning for help in finding moments of joy and I will keep verses and quotes close by to read. 

I will continue learning. Always, I will continue to try. Hard. 

I encourage you to watch Shonda's Ted Talk so I have posted it below.